In the last week or so I've noticed some subtle changes in Anna that I have been struggling to put a name to, but today I'm feeling like they're simply all evidence of her growing up. Why is it such a bittersweet process, this growing up stuff? I'm ecstatic and depressed about it all at once. My heart savors the gifts she gives us with each new day...a "love you," a spontaneous kiss or cuddle, a new word, reaching out to hold my hand while she eats her lunch, surprising me with a demonstration of a newly understood concepts(today it was "up high" and "down low"), laughing at herself as she carries away my neatly stacked piles of laundry. And, my heart aches as I say goodbye to our baby, and soon enough, to our toddler. While aspects of this growing process feel so slow, other pieces feel all to fast. This week I found myself wishing I could freeze the moments, the facial expressions, the innocence that is so fleeting.
Anna was so alive this week. It's like someone took a magnifying glass to her sensitivity, timidity, perceptiveness, silliness, and determination. She's always been all of these things (well, maybe not silly - she was a very serious infant), but this week she's like a caricature of herself in many ways. Her large circle of personal space has been immoveable for those she's not comfortable with. She's clingy and fearful of other kids at the store. While she's always more observant than participatory at music class, rarely walking into the mob of kids to grab instruments and only recently working up the courage to strum the teacher's guitar, she decided a couple of weeks ago it was OK to hug her. This week Anna refused hugs, strumming, and most of the activities that require some assertiveness (her mommy isn't a great role model here...if a kid stole a toy from me when I was young, I usually just let them take it, and so far Anna behaves similarly). She's knowingly pushing my buttons, throwing food or eating inedible things to get my attention or if she senses my tension and agitation. She wants to help me with everything ("Help me!" she says when she wants to help ME), asking to ride in the sling throughout the day. She's laughing more, teasing more, and making me smile more, too. Getting dressed to go outside yesterday, she put her arm in her coat, then took it out - repeatedly - reveling in her power to make us laugh. Last night, for the first time in months, she didn't want to go to sleep, and she woke multiple times in the night.
While I'm always quick to analyze her behavior and surmise that she's coming down with something or getting a new tooth (in this case, I do see one that looks relatively close to the surface), I expect that this is all just her growing up. She's separating and individuating. She's discovering her Self. And, it's hard work...for all of us. But, it's really great, too.
I tend to get ahead of myself, I know, but all of this change has me thinking about the transitions down the road and how we'll tackle them all in such close proximity. Weaning, trading a crib for a big-girl bed, potty training, a sibling, preschool, blah, blah, blah. It's enough to make me want to crawl under the covers, or worse yet, sew a whole new wardrobe to occupy my mind and hands and time.
Growing up is inevitable. While we can influence the process, it's going to happen no matter what - it's out of our control. It's beautiful and scary. It's predictable and tumultuous. It happens so fast. Each stage brings new joys, but it also means saying goodbye to joys that are outgrown. I guess that's why it's so bittersweet.